Friday, May 6, 2011

Day 4

So I won't lie.  This morning was a bit rough on me.  First of all, I didn't get up early as planned to have my Hour of Power as Tony Robbins calls it.  And by that I mean I work out for 30 - 60 mins while expressing gratitude, picturing life as I wish it looked and having a mantra.  My mantra goes something like this, "Every day and every way my ass is getting smaller" or "Every day and every way I am getting more successful."  Instead I slept in as late as possible. In fact, I can't seem to get enough sleep.  Maybe it's catching up on my sleep debt or I'm being lazy, not totally sure.  What I do know is that I'm having bizarre dreams, this time I was living in Sex In The City and I think I was Samantha.  That's not totally the weird point though.  What is strange is that for the last two nights, I have been able to wake up then go back to sleep and resume my dreams!  This has not happened to me before.  I don't know if this is because my body is cleaning itself or my mind is reaching some place of lucidity.

I knew going into this cleanse that it's possible to evoke some long-stored emotions and boy did they come up this morning. I woke up so lethargic that I could barely drag myself into my shower.  I had to tell myself that I am grateful for this day, this body, this life.  But I'm sorry if my brain refused to believe it.  Instead all I could think was that I was a failure. I would fail.  There was no way I could ever finish this cleanse and I would have to tell my friends, family and the blogosphere (is there anyone out there?) that I didn't succeed.  But the thing is I haven't failed at all. I've stayed on my regimen every day so where were those feelings welling from?  Well, they were accompanied by the strongest desire to eat pasta, lots and lots of pasta, particularly from a restaurant called Goodfellas on Melrose.  Now I've maybe eaten there twice but realized that the first time was with my ex-boyfriend Derek when we were 18 and drove to LA on a whim.  We were broken up at the time but he desperately wanted to get back together and I was considering it even though I knew we weren't right together and the relationship would fail.  Could it be that I stored those feelings of failure and doubt along with the sensory memory of pasta?  That I finally released it out of my fat cells and dumped it into my bloodstream?

So my muscles ached and I also had a stuffy nose.  This lasted through most of my morning, especially when my stomach started growling at 11:45 am and I almost threw in the towel and ate some Lays potato chips, which are all over my office.  But alas, I sipped my tea and something miraculous happened.  Levity hit and I felt an overwhelming wave of OK.  By that I mean, I suddenly felt like everything was alright with the world.  Or as Elizabeth Gilbert would say in Eat, Pray,  Love: "All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well."

My soup is a tad disappointing. I made it up and hoped to give it more flavor but alas it tastes fairly bland. Again, I am not eating for pleasure, I am eating for my health.  I have to give my body fuel to clean out its closet.  I look forward to the weekend and only hope that I can stay on schedule.

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